CHAPTER 3 GROUNDED: BEING COMFORT-CENTERED

Bob: I was once talking to my friend Mindy, who was upset at the leader of a local community organization. This leader said that Mindy's son would be expelled from the organization because he had violated some of its most important rules. Mindy raged on about what an unjust person this leader was, and she listed things that she might do to take action against him. As I listened it was clear that if she actually did the things that she said she was going to do she would make the situation worse. It was also clear that if I told her this she would likely turn her anger toward me. I wondered if there was something I could say that would lift her out of this angry and vengeful state.

As I listened to Mindy complain I remembered a question that I read in Robert Fritz's book The Path of Least Resistance. Fritz argues that to move from a reactive state to a creative state, a person should ask the question, "What result do I want to create?" This question focuses us on results and creation rather than on resolving our disrupted expectations. It changes those expectations, creating new purposes that are not inhibited by our existing expectations.

With these ideas in mind, and after having listened for a long time, I asked Mindy, "What result do you want to create?"

Mindy looked at me for a moment. Baffled by my question, she said she wanted justice and she began complaining again. I listened for a few more minutes, and then I asked again, "What result do you want to create?" I got the same response. After I waited a few more minutes I asked the question a third time. Finally, she stopped and asked, "What do you mean by that?"

"If you could have all of your hopes and dreams for your son come true, what result would you want to create for him?"

Mindy looked at me in silence for a time. Then she slowly described how she wanted him to have a happy life, to be a responsible and productive citizen, to serve others, and so on.

I asked how the actions that she was threatening to take would bring about the result she desired. She paused for a long time. Then she began to speak more softly, saying, "He has made some bad decisions, he needs to recognize that and pay the consequences."

As she said this, her disposition seemed to change. The anger dissolved. She seemed more peaceful and more determined. She had new expectations. She said she was going to go home and have a conversation with her son. As she turned and walked away, I was struck by the dramatic change. In her traumatic situation, she had stopped trying to solve the problem and had clarified what result she desired. When she did, the most appropriate strategy became obvious. By asking and answering this basic question, she lifted herself into a new and more positive state, and she was now more likely to lift others.

Mindy's reaction to her son's expulsion was a normal one. Good people sometimes react unproductively to negative situations. The fact that they do this relates to the first characteristic of the fundamental state of leadership. Mindy was approaching the situation in a comfort-centered way, and comfort-centered approaches sometimes lead to unproductive actions.

The alternative to a comfort-centered approach is a purpose-centered approach. Often we are comfort-centered rather than purpose-centered; we are content with a situation, so when problems disrupt or threaten to disrupt the situation we try to solve them. Sometimes this can be appropriate, but often it is not. Sometimes we spend our lives solving problems and never find purpose. Eventually, with Bob's help, Mindy was able to become purpose-centered. In this chapter we will explore how a question such as "What result do I want to create?" can help us transform our problems into purposes. However, before we do, we will examine why good people such as Mindy—or any of us—can have such strong tendencies to focus on problems.

Problems and purposes have some similar elements. For example, they both can grab our attention and motivate us to action. Some of the actions we take, the things to which we pay attention, or the things about which we feel motivated are more likely to lift us into a state of leadership and lift people around us as a result. For example, Mindy's problem at the beginning of her story and Mindy's purpose at the end both focused her attention and motivated her to act, but the focus of her attention and her motivations was much more likely to lift herself and others when she had a purpose at the end of the story. Problems and purposes are like engines. Any engine could, in theory, propel an airplane forward. But as Orville and Wilbur Wright learned, some engines are much more useful for harnessing lift.