Trust Is Tested

Trust is at play in every relationship we have—both at work and at home. In all relationships trust is built, broken, and made vulnerable. We've all been hurt, disappointed, and let down by others. And others have been let down and disappointed by us. Our trust is tested by the people we love, live with, and work with. And sometimes, our trust is tested by the very process of life itself.

While writing this third edition, we celebrated twenty-one years of marriage, milestones in our children's lives, and twenty-three years of business together.

Through those years, life has thrown us our fair share of curve balls and has tested our trust. Between the two of us, we've had three bouts of cancer: Dennis twice, Michelle once. We have lost both our fathers to cancer. And we have placed our faith in God that he would keep our youngest son, Will, safe while he served our country in Afghanistan.

We made sacrifices to support each other as we pursued our doctorates while raising two boys and starting our business. Our business has had periods of breakthrough growth and breakdown setbacks. We have experienced financial abundance and long periods of hardship. We have hired people who have come through for us while others took advantage of our good graces and betrayed us. We've had people tell us our work has changed their lives for the better, and we've had the wind knocked out of us when others have deceived us and taken credit for our research and work.

Our energies have soared through the presence of trust and have been depleted when it was broken. There have been periods when we were confident we could achieve anything and periods when we wondered if we were on the right course. Working through the pain of all these challenges, we have grown the fullest. Like many of you, we've learned firsthand that relationships take work and that trust is a must for relationships to be vibrant and long lasting.

More often than not, others don't mean to break your trust, and you don't mean to break theirs. And yet, trust is tested and broken on a daily basis as people do business together against tight deadlines, high expectations, and fierce competition. You let others down. They let you down. You're asked to support others, and you ask them to support you through these painful periods.

Most people associate broken trust with big offenses—major acts such as lying, stealing, or manipulating others. Your inner voice may say, I don't do those things. And the likelihood is, you don't. Few people do. The hard truth is, trust is most often eroded by subtle, minor, unintentional acts that happen every day—not the big things.

Fred is late on his deliverable. Kelly delivers tough news and is shot down. Anna rolls her eyes. Henry gossips about Jane. Tony cancels the meeting for the third time. David won't talk about the “situation.” There is the meeting after the meeting. This department points the finger at that department. Someone takes credit for someone else's work. You have to ask for the same deliverable or piece of information over and over again. Sound familiar?

We've found that 90 percent of behaviors that break trust in workplace relationships are small, subtle, and unintentional. You both experience them and contribute to them. You don't mean to behave in a way that breaks others' trust in you anymore than they do. You don't mean to disappoint them, hurt them, undermine their efforts, or overlook their contributions. But you do. We all do these things to one another. Trust is tested every day by the inherent messiness of business and human dynamics.

The problem is, these little, unintentional hurts and oversights build upon one another until you are forced to pay attention to them. When you reach this tipping point, you no longer just feel let down—you feel betrayed. You shift from questioning your trust to grabbing it back with both hands as quickly as possible. Feelings of betrayal resulting from the accumulation of small, daily breakdowns in trust are just as real—and just as damaging to relationships—as those caused by large, noticeable violations.

This is not easy news to hear. You may be bothered by the very word betrayal. It may represent a painful experience in your life you'd prefer to forget. Trust is highly complex, emotionally provocative, and it means different things to different people. It can take a long time to build and can be broken in an instant. You want trust in your workplace, on your team, and in your relationships. We will show you how to get it. In so doing, we will ask you to pause and consider your behavior and your approach to relationships. Trust begins with individual effort. It begins with you and your awareness of the fragility of trust in your relationships.