A Father’s Pre-Empty Nest Post-Partum Mess 空巢老爸的悲情自白

◎ By Norris J. Chumley 译 / 阿诺

Women aren’t the only ones who feel the loss when the “baby” grows up, goes to college and moves out of the house. Fathers do too. Although it’s a little hard to admit—I am already feeling the empty-nest syndrome, in spite of being sure it would never hit me. This isn’t something my fellow father friends ever discussed or warned me about. I’ve never read about it from a man’s perspective either.

It’s official—the university has been chosen. The time is upon us. Only a few months left. My (our) youngest son is headed out the door for college this coming August, and I’m feeling it big time. The days are numbered, and I can’t believe it but I’m having separation anxiety! Yes me, over six feet tall big strapping dad that I am, I have become an emotional mess of a man.

Applications have long-ago been written, edited, rewritten and sent. Financial aid forms (oh that lovely FAFSA) and electronic pleas submitted. We’ve toured and heard university sales pitches ad nauseam. It is the season for parents of high-school seniors to get ready. I wasn’t quite prepared.

I thought I was so cool and experienced by now. We did it before and survived our oldest son’s departure. We missed him a lot, even though he “boomerangs” most weekends. Now, our house is about to be totally kid-empty for the first time in 24 years. This time the move-out for college is markedly different.

当家里的“小宝贝”逐渐长大，去上大学，从家里搬走的时候，不是只有母亲才会感到失落。做父亲的也会。虽然要承认这一点不太容易——我已经尝到“空巢综合征”的滋味了，尽管我曾确信这永远不会发生在我身上。我那些同样身为人父的朋友们从来没有谈论过这种事，也没有警告过我。我也从来没读到过有谁从男性的角度写这种事。

就要正式分别了——大学已经选定。余下的时间不多，只剩几个月了。这个八月，我(我们)最小的儿子就要离家去上大学了，我对此感受强烈。在一起的日子屈指可数，虽然难以置信，但我正处在离别的焦虑之中！是的，我，这个身高六英尺多的魁梧老爸，已经伤感得一塌糊涂了。

大学申请书早就撰写、修改、重写和寄出了，助学金申请表(那份讨人喜欢的联邦学生资助申请)和电子申请书也已经提交了。我们去了不少地方，大学招生的那些宣传我们都已经听厌了。这是高中毕业生的家长们应该做好准备的季节，而我还没有完全准备好。

我原本以为现在的自己已经足够淡定、足够有经验了。我们有过这种经历，大儿子离家时我们挺过来了。我们当时很想他，尽管大多数周末他都会跑回家来。现在，我们家里将完全不再有孩子的身影，这是24年来的头一遭。这次小儿子离家上大学明显与从前不同。

Yes, I am all about helping our last child get ready and actually go. My wife and I both advised and edited his applications. We attended interviews. School college fairs. Advisory meetings are behind us now. I understand when he wants to go out and party with friends, instead of a quiet relaxing evening with the folks. I think it’s great that he wants to be more and more independent. Yeah, it’s OK that he’d rather spend a Saturday afternoon with a girl instead of hiking with me. I’m over all that. No problems, it’s just Part of Living a Full Life.

For the past three or four years I’ve been preparing for that moment when our son, now 18, liberates us. No more having to provide dinner, or be in town every night so he can get to school every day. We’ve cooked or ordered 6,570 dinners so far for him, and he’s still hungry! We can now travel, unscheduled! So say all my other empty-nest fathers. I’ve taken it all in stride and pride—thinking that we’ve done an acceptable job so far, after all he’s still alive, making pretty great grades, and gotten into a very fine university indeed, thank God. Stiff upper lip, non-emotional male me; everything is in control. That’s the kind of guy I am: cool and collected. That moment to come, though, has come. Not one of my fellow fathers warned me of the emotional angle of this traumatic moment. It’s nothing I have ever experienced to this dramatic degree ever before.

是的，我一直在帮助我们最小的孩子做好真正离家的准备。我和妻子都对他的申请材料提出过建议，也加以修改。我们参加了面谈，也去了学校举办的大学招生展会。那些咨询会如今也已经是过去时了。当小儿子想跟朋友们一起外出聚会，而不是与家人共度一个平静而放松的夜晚时，我可以理解。他想变得越来越独立，我觉得很好。没错，周六下午他更愿意跟一个女孩待在一起而不是和我一起去远足，那也没什么。我已经不为这类事情伤神了。没问题，这只是孩子过充实生活的一部分。

小儿子今年18岁。为了迎接我们从他那里获得解放的时刻，过去三四年以来我一直在做准备。无须再给他做饭，也无须为了让他能每天上学而每晚留在城里。包括外卖在内，我们至今已经为他准备了6570顿晚餐，而他还在喊饿！我们现在可以旅游了，无须事先安排！我认识的其他空巢老爸也都这么说。我从容而自豪地接受了这一切——我想到目前为止，我们当父母还算称职，毕竟他还活得好好的，成绩很不错，而且还进了一所非常好的大学，谢天谢地。我是个沉着冷静、情绪稳定的男人，一切尽在掌握之中。我就是这种人：从容不迫，镇定自若。但是，该来的时刻还是来了。关于这个令人痛苦的时刻，那些做父亲的朋友们就没有一个从情感的角度提醒过我。我还从来没有经历过让人产生如此剧烈反应的事。

Last weekend, that “fatherly cool” all came unraveled. There I was in a far-off town with our boy, whoops young man—father and son quality time. We’d spent the weekend in early orientation sessions. Hours and hours of information, meeting faculty, schmoosing department heads—the presidential handshake and financial aid officer complimenting complete. There we were killing time before the flight home, just me and my man listening to the radio on a distant street watching college students go by, when a certain song came on. “Homeward bound I wish I was ... Homeward bound ... Home, where my thought’s escaping ... Home, where my music’s playing ... Silently for Me ...” I began to cry uncontrollably. That Paul Simon song was one I hadn’t heard in years, and man oh man did it hit me. He’d be gone soon. Such homesickness ... Me, not him so much. I’m not the one leaving home. We won’t have to eat precisely at six anymore and dinners will never be the same. Oh no, will we ever see him again? He’ll be 30 and I’ll be in my 70’s ... 40, 50, 60 and then what?! Grandkids? I’ll sure miss his sweet cherubic face ... What a cute baby he was! What fun to sit him on my knee and watch cartoons—Tex Avery’s especially.

上周末，那份“父亲的冷静”彻底瓦解了。我在一座遥远的城市，跟我们家的小男孩——啊，应该说是小伙子——共度了一段父子间的宝贵时光。此前的周末我们参加了入学前期的新生导览活动。我们花了好几个小时听介绍，和教职人员见面，跟系领导闲聊，还跟校长握了手，奉承了助学金的管理人员。坐飞机回家前，我跟儿子两个人在离家遥远的街上一边听着收音机，一边看着大学生来来往往，借此打发时间。这时，收音机里传来了一首歌：“但愿我是在回家的路上……回家的路上……我的思绪飘往家的方向……我的音乐在家中奏响……无声地为我奏响……”我无法抑制地哭了起来。保罗·西蒙的这首歌我好多年都没有听过了，天哪天哪，他真是唱到我的心坎里去了。儿子就快离开了。这样的思乡之情……是我，他不怎么想家。即将离家的人不是我。我们再也不用六点准时开饭了，晚饭也再不会与从前一样了。哦，不，我们还能再见到他吗？他将会长到30岁，那时我就70多岁了……到他40岁，50岁，60岁，之后呢？！就有孙辈了？我肯定会想念他那可爱的胖乎乎的脸蛋儿……他曾经是个多么可爱的小宝宝啊！把他抱在膝上一起看卡通片——特别是特克斯·艾弗里的作品——是多么开心啊。

All my male fortitude and fatherly strength was flooding away, out-of-control, along with my manly rational mind. My strong and stoic fatherly image melting in good-bye images. There was nothing I could do to stop the tears. So I decided that strong men cry too. “We’re Human. Men are Emotional. I’m Human. Men cry too—it’s probably healthy. No big deal.” I let it rip.

It was a big deal; a very big deal. I cried and cried in a mixture of embarrassment and novelty. There was no logic, no quick-fix manly gate-keeping. Out of my total emotional decompensation, I managed to get out only three words amidst the tears: “I love you.”

My boy put his arm around my shoulders, and we looked in each other’s eyes. He was weeping too. Then we began sobbing. Then laughing at the thought and the sight of the two of us, such a weepy mess. I put my arm around his shoulders too, and we just cried and cried some more together, father and son. I will never forget that moment. I don’t think I can ever bear to hear that song again.

我作为男性的刚毅和父亲的坚强，连同男性的理性思维，全都被泪水冲走，全部失控了。我那坚强、克制的父亲形象融化在了告别的画面中。我无法止住泪水，于是我断定坚强的男人也会哭。“我们都是人，男人都会动感情，我也是凡人。男人也会哭—哭一哭大概有益于健康。没什么大不了的。”我任由眼泪尽情地流淌。

这是件大事，非常大的事。我哭个不停，既感到难为情，又有种新奇的感觉。没有道理可讲，也没有保持男子汉形象的应急之策。完全处于情绪代偿失调中的我流着泪，只勉强说出三个字：“我爱你。”

儿子伸手搂住我的肩膀，我们四目相对。他也在哭。后来，我们开始抽噎。再后来，看着彼此哭得如此狼狈的样子，想想这个场景，我们又笑了起来。我也伸手搂住他的肩膀，父子俩又一起哭了一阵。我永远也忘不了那一刻。我想我再也听不得那首歌了。

He’s going to do so well at college next year. He’ll be busy with classes, and making new friends. I’ll be busy working hard to pay the tuition, and send him money for more dinners, and dates. My wife and I can have a second honeymoon, without kids! Honestly, though, I will miss him a lot. “That’s OK,” I logically tell myself. “That’s what life is about,” I guess. “That’s what love is about, happiness and sadness all in one,” I tell myself. It’s hard, but it’s sweet too. Ah, truthfully it’s not OK and I’m a manly emotional mess.

I couldn’t wait to leave home and my parents when I was my rebellious 18. I didn’t cry a tear, and they didn’t either. I don’t remember ever hearing those three words as I said goodbye. Now, over 30 years later, I’m so proud of growing up and being a father to my sons. It’s different now, with this generation. There is so much to be happy about, and I love my wife and sons so much I’m about to cry some more, and that’s fine. I’m a fine mess.

明年，他会在大学里过得很好。他将忙着上课，忙着结交新朋友。我则会忙着努力工作来支付他的学费，给他寄钱，供他吃更多顿饭，供他约会。我和妻子可以再度一次蜜月，没有孩子拖累！不过，说实话，我会非常想他的。“这没什么。”我理性地告诉自己。“生活就是这样。”我想。“爱就是这样，悲欣交集。”我对自己说。离别不易，但同样也很甜蜜。啊，说实话，这一点也不好受，我是个感伤得一塌糊涂的大男人。

当我还是个18岁的叛逆少年时，我迫不及待地想离开家，离开父母。我当时一滴泪也没流，他们也一样。我不记得曾在道别时听到他们说那三个字。如今，30多年过去了，我终于长大成人，并做了孩子们的父亲，对此我感到非常自豪。如今这一代人的情况不一样了。有太多让人高兴的事了，而我如此爱我的妻儿，我还会再哭几次。这也没什么。我的心情真是一团糟。