第7章 吉檀迦利(5)

正如风暴用全力来冲击平静，却寻求终止于平静，我的反抗冲击着你的爱，而它的呼声也还是——我需要你，只需要你。

That I want thee， only thee— let my heart repeat without end. All desires that distract me， day and night， are false and empty to the core.

As the night keeps hidden in its gloom the petition for light， even thus in the depth of my unconsciousness rings the cry— "I want thee， only thee".

As the storm still seeks its end in peace when it strikes against peace with all its might， even thus my rebellion strikes against thy love and still its cry is— "I want thee， only thee".

39

在我的心坚硬焦躁的时候，请洒我以慈霖。

当生命失去恩宠的时候，请赐我以欢歌。

当繁杂的工作在四周喧闹，使我和外界隔绝的时候，我宁静的主，请带着你的和平与安息来临。

当我乞丐似的心，蹲闭在屋角的时候，我的国王，请你以王者的威仪破户而入。

当欲念以诱惑与尘埃来迷蒙我心眼的时候，呵，圣者，你是清醒的，请你和你的雷电一同降临。

When the heart is hard and parched up， come upon me with a shower of mercy.

When grace is lost from life， come with a burst of song.

When tumultuous work raises its din on all sides shutting me out from beyond， come to me， my lord of silence， with thy peace and rest.

When my beggarly heart sits crouched， shut up in a corner， break open the door， my king， and come with the ceremony of a king.

When desire blinds the mind with delusion and dust， O thou holy one， thou wakeful， come with thy light and thy thunder.

40

在我干枯的心上，好多天没有受到雨水的滋润了，我的上帝。天边是可怕的赤裸——没有一片轻云的遮盖，没有一丝远雨的凉意。

如果你愿意，请降下你的死黑的盛怒的风雨，以闪电震慑诸天吧。

但是请你召回，我的主，召回这弥漫沉默的炎热吧，它是沉重尖锐而又残忍的，用可怕的绝望焚灼人心。

让慈云低垂下降，像在父亲发怒的时候，母亲的含泪的眼光。

The rain has held back for days and days， my God， in my arid heart. The horizon is fiercely naked— not the thinnest cover of a soft cloud， not the vaguest hint of a distant cool shower.

Send thy angry storm， dark with death， if it is thy wish， and with lashes of lightning startle the sky from end to end.

But call back， my lord， call back this pervading silent heat， still and keen and cruel， burning the heart with dire despair.

Let the cloud of grace bend low from above like the tearful look of the mother on the day of the father's wrath.

41

我的情人，你站在大家背后，藏在何处的阴影中呢？在尘土飞扬的道上，他们把你推开走过、没有理睬你。在乏倦的时间，我摆开礼品来等候你，过路的人把我的香花一朵一朵地拿去，我的花篮几乎空了。

清晨，中午都过去了。暮色中，我倦眼蒙眬。回家的人们瞟着我微笑，使我满心羞惭。我像女丐一般地坐着，拉起裙儿盖上脸，当他们问我要什么的时候，我垂目没有答应。

呵，真的，我怎能告诉他们说，我是在等候你，而且你也应许你一定会来，我又怎能抱愧地说我的妆奁就是贫穷。

呵，我在我心的微隐处紧抱着这一段骄荣。

我坐在草地上凝望天空，梦想着你来临时候那忽然炫耀的豪华——万彩交辉，车辇上金旗飞扬，在道旁众目睽睽之下，你从车座下降，把我从尘埃中扶起坐立你的旁边，这褴褛的丐女，含羞带喜，像藤蔓在暴风中颤摇。

但是时间流过了，还听不见你的车辇的轮声，许多仪仗队伍都在光彩喧闹中走过了。

你只要静默地站在他们背后吗？

我只能哭泣着等待，把我的心折磨在空虚的伫望之中吗？

Where dost thou stand behind them all， my lover， hiding thyself in the shadows？They push thee and pass thee by on the dusty road， taking thee for naught. I wait here weary hours spreading my offerings for thee， while passers-by come and take my fowers， one by one， and my basket is nearly empty.

The morning time is past， and the noon. In the shade of evening my eyes are drowsy with sleep.Men going home glance at me and smile and fll me with shame.I sit like a beggar maid， drawing my skirt over my face， and when they ask me， what it is I want， I drop my eyes and answer them not.

Oh， how， indeed， could I tell them that for thee I wait， and that thou hast promised to come. How could I utter for shame that I keep for my dowry this poverty.Ah， I hug this pride in the secret of my heart.

I sit on the grass and gaze upon the sky and dream of the sudden splendour of thy coming— all the lights ablaze， golden pennons fying over thy car， and they at the roadside standing agape， when they see thee come down from thy seat to raise me from the dust， and set at thy side this ragged beggar girl a-tremble with shame and pride， like a creeper in a summer breeze.

But time glides on and still no sound of the wheels of thy chariot. Many a procession passes by with noise and shouts and glamour of glory.Is it only thou who wouldst stand in the shadow silent and behind them all？And only I who would wait and weep and wear out my heart in vain longing？

42

在清晓的密语中，我们约定了同去泛舟，世界上没有一个人知道我们这无目的无终止的遨游。

在无边的海洋上，在你静听的微笑中，我的歌唱抑扬成调，像海波一般的自由，不受字句的束缚。

时间还没有到吗？你还有工作要做吗？看吧，暮色已经笼罩海岸，苍茫里，海鸟已群飞归巢。

谁知道什么时候可以解开锁链，这只船会像落日的余光，消融在黑夜之中呢？

Early in the day it was whispered that we should sail in a boat， only thou and I， and never a soul in the world would know of this our pilgrimage to no country and to no end.

In that shoreless ocean， at thy silently listening smile my songs would swell in melodies， free as waves， free from all bondage of words.

Is the time not come yet？Are there works still to do？Lo， the evening has come down upon the shore and in the fading light the seabirds come fying to their nests.

Who knows when the chains will be off， and the boat， like the last glimmer of sunset， vanish into the night？

43

那天我没有准备好来等候你，我的国王，你就像一个素不相识的平凡的人，自动地进到我的心里，在我生命的许多流逝的时光中，盖上了永生的印记。

今天我偶然照见了你的签印，我发现它们和我遗忘了的日常哀乐的回忆，杂乱地散掷在尘埃里。

你不曾鄙夷地避开我童年时代在尘土中的游戏，我在游戏室里所听见的足音，和在群星中的回响是相同的。

The day was when I did not keep myself in readiness for thee； and entering my heart unbidden even as one of the common crowd， unknown to me， my king， thou didst press the signet of eternity upon many a feeting moment of my life.

And today when by chance I light upon them and see thy signature， I fnd they have lain scattered in the dust mixed with the memory of joys and sorrows of my trivial days forgotten.

Thou didst not turn in contempt from my childish play among dust， and the steps that I heard in my playroom are the same that are echoing from star to star.

44

阴晴无定，夏至雨来的时节，在路旁等候瞭望，是我的快乐。

从不可知的天空带信来的使者们，向我致意又向前赶路。

我衷心欢畅，吹过的风带着清香。

从早到晚我在门前坐地，我知道我一看见你，那快乐的时光便要突然来到。

这时我自歌自笑，这时空气里也充满着应许的芬芳。

This is my delight， thus to wait and watch at the wayside where shadow chases light and the rain comes in the wake of the summer.

Messengers， with tidings from unknown skies， greet me and speed along the road.

My heart is glad within， and the breath of the passing breeze is sweet.

From dawn till dusk I sit here before my door， and I know that of a sudden the happy moment will arrive when I shall see.

In the meanwhile I smile and I sing all alone. In the meanwhile the air is flling with the perfume of promise.