第22章 Say Good-bye

At that moment K.，who was looking around aimlessly， saw Frieda some distance away at a bend in the corridor；she pretended not to recognize him， merely fixed her gaze on him；in one hand she held a tray with empty dishes. He said to the servant， who did not pay the slightest attention to him—the more you spoke to the servant， the more absentminded he seemed to become—that he would be back at once， and ran to Frieda.When he reached her， he grabbed her by the shoulders as though seizing possession of her again， and asked some trivial questions while looking quizzically into her eyes.But her rigid posture scarcely relaxed；distractedly she tried to rearrange the dishes on the tray and said：“What is it you want from me？Just go to those—you know their names， you've just come from them， I can tell from the way you look.”K.quickly changed the subject；that discussion shouldn't begin so suddenly nor with the worst matters， with those least favorable to him.“I thought you were in the taproom，”he said.Frieda looked at him in astonishment， then ran her one free hand gently over his forehead and cheek.It was as if she had forgotten what he looked like and wanted to recall it that way， her eyes too had the blurred look of somebody trying with great difficulty to remember something.“I've been taken on for the taproom again，”she said slowly， as if what she was saying was not important but beneath the words she was holding a conversation with K..and this was what was important，“this work doesn't suit me， anybody could do it， anybody who can make beds and put on a friendly face and does not fear being pestered by the guests but even invites it， any such person can be a chambermaid.But in the taproom it's somewhat different.I was immediately taken on in the taproom again， though I didn't leave it all that honorably earlier， but of course now I had patronage.But the landlord was glad that I had patronage， and that it was therefore easy for him to take me back.They even had to pressure me to accept the post；if you think about what the taproom reminds me of， you'll have no difficulty understanding that.In the end I accepted the position.But I'm only here temporarily.Pepi asked that she not be obliged to endure the disgrace of having to leave the taproom right away， and since she did her work diligently and saw to everything， to the extent that this was possible with her limited abilities， we have given her a twenty-four-hour extension.”“That's a great arrangement，”said K.，“only you once left the taproom for my sake， and now， just before the wedding， you want to go back？”“There will be no wedding，”said Frieda.“Because I was unfaithful？”asked K.Frieda nodded.“Look here， Frieda，”said K.，“we have often talked about this so-called infidelity and you always had to acknowledge in the end that the suspicion was unjust.Since then there has been no change on my side， everything is still as innocent as it was， and must always remain so.Something must therefore have changed on your side， through the insinuations of strangers or for other reasons.In any case you're treating me unjustly， for look， how do matters really stand with these two girls？One of them， the dark one—I'm almost ashamed at having to defend myself at such length， but you invited it—anyhow， the dark one is probably no less embarrassing to me than she is to you；whenever I can keep away from her somehow or other， I do so， and she even makes that easy， one cannot possibly be more reserved than she is.”“Yes，”cried Frieda， her words came out as though against her will；K.was glad to see her being distracted in this way；she was not what she wanted to be，“you may think she's reserved， you call the most shameless of them all reserved， and this， unbelievable as it is， is your honest opinion， you're not pretending， I know that.The landlady at the Bridge Inn says of you：I cannot stand him but cannot abandon him either， just as on seeing a little child who cannot quite walk venture off too far， one cannot restrain oneself， one must intervene.”“You should accept her warning，”said K.，smiling，“but that girl， nomatter how reserved or shameless she is， we can leave aside， I do not want to hear another word about her.”“But why do you call her reserved？”Frieda asked implacably， K.interpreted this expression of interest as a sign favorable to him，“have you put it to the test or is this simply an attempt to disparage somebody else？”“Neither the one nor the other，”said K.，“I call her that out of gratitude， because she makes it easy for me to overlook her and because I couldn't get myself to go there again no matter how often she spoke to me， which would certainly be a great loss for me， since I must， as you know， go there for the sake of our common future.And that's another reason why I have to speak to the other girl， whom I respect for her diligence， prudence， and selflessness， but nobody can really claim that she is seductive.”“The domestics don't agree，”said Frieda.“In this and no doubt also in many other respects as well，”said K.“Are you trying to draw conclusions about my unfaithfulness from the lusting of the domestics？”Frieda remained silent and allowed K.to take the tray from her hand， put it on the floor， slide his arm under hers， and walk slowly back and forth with her in the cramped space.“You have no idea what faithfulness is，”she said， trying to fend off his closeness，“however you may have behaved with the girls， that's not the most important thing；that you should go there to that family at all and come back with the smell of their room in your clothes is already an unbearable disgrace for me.And you run out of the schoolhouse without saying a word.And you even spend half the night there.And when anyone asks whether you're there， you have those girls deny it， and deny it passionately they do， especially the one who is said to be uncommonly reserved.You sneak out of that house along a secret path， perhaps even to protect the reputation of those girls， the reputation of those girls！No， let's say no more about that.”“No more about that，”said K.，“but rather about something else， Frieda.No more need be said about that.You know why I must go there.It won't be easy， but I will overcome my reluctance.You shouldn't make this more difficult for me than it is.All I intended to do today was to go there for a moment to ask them whether Barnabas， who should have brought me an important message long ago， had finally come.He hadn't， but he should be coming very soon， so they assured me， plausibly enough.I didn't want to let him follow me to the schoolhouse so that he wouldn't torment you with his presence.The hours went by， but unfortunately he didn't come.But another person came whom I despise.The idea of his spying on me didn't appeal to me， so I went through the next-door garden， but I had no intention of hiding from him either and， once outside on the street， went up to him openly， holding， I have to admit， a very supple willow switch.That's all， no more need be said about that， but rather about something else.What's the situation with the assistants， the mere mention of whom is almost as repulsive for me as the mentioning of that family is for you？Compare your relationship to them with how I relate to that family.I understand your dislike of that family and can certainly share it.I go there only because of this particular affair， and at times it almost seems to me as though I were doing them an injustice and exploiting them.But as for you and the assistants！You haven't even tried to deny that they pursue you and you've also admitted that you're attracted to them.I wasn't angry at you because of that， I realized you were no match for the forces at work here and was happy to see you were at least putting up a fight， I helped to defend you， and it was only because I failed to do so for an hour or two， trusting in your faithfulness and also in hopes that the building would inevitably be locked and the assistants finally put to flight—I still underestimate them， I fear—only because I failed to do so for an hour or two and because this Jeremias， who on closer inspection is a none-too-healthy， oldish fellow， had the cheek to come to the window， it's for those reasons alone that I must lose you， Frieda， and hear greetings such as：‘There will be no wedding.'Shouldn't I be the one to utter reproaches， but I do not， I still do not.”And again K.thought it a good idea to distract Frieda， so he asked her to bring him something to eat， for he had not eaten anything since noon.Frieda， obviously relieved by the request， nodded and ran to get something， not farther along the corridor where K.assumed the kitchen was， but off to the side down a few steps.She soon brought a plate of cold meats and a bottle of wine， but these were evidently only the remnants of a meal， the individual slices had been quickly rearranged so that this could not be discerned， a few sausage skins had even been left lying there， and the bottle was three-quarters empty.But K.said nothing about this and with a good appetite set about eating.“You were in the kitchen？”he asked.“No， in my own room，”she said，“I have a room downstairs.”“If only you had taken me along，”said K.，“I'll go downstairs so that I can sit for a little while I eat.”“I'll bring you a chair，”said Frieda， who was already on her way.“No thanks，”said K.，holding her back，“I won't go and don't need a chair either.”Defiantly， Frieda endured his grip， she had her head bent low and was biting her lips.“Well， he's downstairs，”she said，“what else did you expect？He's lying in my bed， he caught a chill outside， he's shivering， and has barely eaten.Basically this is all your fault；if you had not chased away the assistants and run after those people， we could be sitting peacefully in the schoolhouse.You alone destroyed our happiness.Do you really think Jeremias would have dared to abduct me while he was still on duty？In that case you fail to appreciate the system of order here.He tried to approach me， tormented himself， lay in wait for me， but it was only a game， just as a hungry dog plays about without quite having the audacity to jump up on the table.And the same is true of me.I was drawn to him， he's my playmate from childhood days—we used to play with one another on the slope of the Castle hill， wonderful days， you've never once asked me about my past—but none of that was of any great moment while Jeremias's position was still holding him in check， for I knew my duty as your wife-to-be.But then you drove away the assistants， and still boast of that， as though you had achieved something for me；well， in a sense that's true.With Artur you attained your goal， though only temporarily， he's delicate， he lacks Jeremias's passion， which fears no obstacle， and also that night with your fist—that blow with your fist was also dealt against our happiness—you nearly destroyed him， he fled to the Castle to complain， and even if he comes back soon， he's gone right now.But Jeremias stayed.On duty he fears every twitch in his master's eye， but off-duty he fears nothing.He came and took me；abandoned by you， overpowered by him， my old friend， I couldn't hold out anymore.It was not I who unlocked the school door， he smashed the window and pulled me out.We flew here， the landlord respects him， and nothing could please the guests more than to have a room waiter like him， so we were taken on， he doesn't live in my room， but we have taken a room together.”“In spite of everything，”said K.，“I don't regret having driven the assistants from my service.If the relationship was as you describe it， in other words if your faithfulness depended solely on the professional commitment of the assistants， then it was good that all this came to an end.The happiness of that marriage in between those two predators， who backed down only under the threat of a whipping， would not have been that great.So I too am grateful to that family， which inadvertently played a role in separating us.”In silence they walked up and down， side by side， but now it was impossible to tell who had begun first.Frieda， who was beside K.，seemed annoyed that he didn't take her by the arm again.“And then everything would be in order，”K.went on，“we could take leave of each other， you could go to your master Jeremias， who probably still has a chill from the school garden and whom you have， under the circumstances， left alone for too long， and I could go on my own to the schoolhouse or， now that I have nothing to do there without you， anywhere I will be admitted.If I am nevertheless hesitant， it's because I still have good reason to doubt what you told me.I have the opposite impression of Jeremias.All the time he was on duty， he was pursuing you， and I cannot believe that his being on duty would ultimately have restrained him from assaulting you in earnest.But now， ever since he chose to regard his duties here with me as suspended， he is different.Forgive me if I explain it to myself this way：Ever since you ceased to be his master's fiancée， you are no longer the temptation you once were for him.You may be his friend from childhood， but in my opinion—and I know him only from a brief conversation I had with him tonight—he doesn't attach much importance to sentimental matters of that sort.I don't know why you consider him a passionate individual.On the contrary， I find his way of thinking remarkably cold.From Galater he received in my regard certain perhaps not very favorable instructions， he endeavors to carry them out， with， as I willingly admit， a certain passion for duty—it is not all that rare here—specifying that he should destroy our relationship；he may have attempted this in various ways， for instance， by trying to entice you with his lascivious longings， and also—the landlady supported him in this—by spinning yarns about my unfaithfulness；his attack was successful， some memory or other of Klamm that still clings to him may have been of some help here， he certainly lost his post， but perhaps precisely when he no longer needed it， now he reaps the fruits of his labor and pulls you through the school window， but with that his work is finished， and， abandoned by his passion for duty， he becomes tired and would prefer to take over from Artur， who is not complaining but picking up praise and new orders， yet someone has to stay to keep track of how things develop here.He regards it as a somewhat bothersome duty having to care for you.There is no love for you， he openly admitted that to me， but as the mistress of Klamm you are naturally somebody he respects， and it must make him feel very good to be able to settle down in your room and have for once the feeling of being like a little Klamm， but that's all， you yourself mean nothing to him now；placing you in a position in here was， in his opinion， simply an addition to his main work；in order not to unsettle you he himself remained here， but only temporarily， so long as he does not have any news from the Castle and you have not cured his cold for him.”“How you slander him！”said Frieda， knocking her little fists together.“Slander him？”said K.，“no， I don't want to slander him.Perhaps I'm doing him something of an injustice， that is of course possible.What I said about him doesn't lie openly on the surface， it can be interpreted differently.But slander？After all， the only purpose in slandering him would be to combat your love of him.Were that necessary and were slander a suitable means， I wouldn't hesitate to slander him.Nobody could condemn me for that， he has such a great advantage over me because of his patrons that I， thrown back as I am entirely on my own resources， should also be allowed to do a little slandering.That would be a relatively innocent and in the end also quite impotent means of defense.So drop your fists.”And K.took Frieda's hand in his own；Frieda attempted to withdraw it， but smiling and without any great effort.“But I have no need to slander him，”said K.，“for you certainly don't love him， you only think you do， and you'll be grateful when I deliver you from that illusion.Look， if someone wanted to take you from me without resorting to force， in the most carefully calculated fashion， he would have to do so through the two assistants.They are seemingly good， childish， funny， irresponsible youths， blown in from high up， from the Castle， along with a few childhood memories， but all this is quite endearing， especially if I myself am the opposite， as it were， for I'm constantly running after things that aren't entirely comprehensible to you， that annoy you， that bring me together with people who seem despicable to you， and some of that gets carried over to me in all my innocence.All of this is simply a malicious， though certainly very clever， exploitation of the shortcomings in our relationship.Every relationship has its shortcomings， even ours；we came together， each of us from a completely different world， and ever since getting to know each other， each of our lives has taken a completely new path， we still feel uncertain， all of this is too new.I'm not talking about myself， that isn't so important， on the whole I have been constantly inundated with gifts ever since you first turned your eyes toward me， and of course it isn't all that difficult to get used to receiving gifts.But as for you， aside from everything else， you were torn from Klamm， I cannot gauge what that means， but I have gradually gained an idea of what that means， one staggers， one cannot find one's way， and， even if I was always prepared to take you in， I was not always there， and when I was there， you were sometimes detained by your daydreams or something even more alive， like， for instance， the landlady—in short， there were times when you looked away from me， you were yearning， poor child， for something that was only half-defined， and at moments like that all that was needed was that the right people be posted in the direction you were looking and you were lost to them， you succumbed to the illusion that all of this， which was nothing but moments， ghosts， old memories， mostly your past and constantly receding former life， was still your real life right then.A mistake， Frieda， nothing but the final， and， rightly considered， rather contemptible obstacle facing our ultimate union.Pull yourself together， compose yourself；even if you thought that the assistants were sent by Klamm—it isn't true， they come from Galater—and if with the help of this illusion they could so enchant you that you believed that even in their dirt and their lechery you could find traces of Klamm， like a person who thinks he is seeing a long-lost precious stone in a dung heap， whereas in reality he would be incapable of finding it even if it actually was there—they too are simply the same type of fellows as the domestics in the stable， only not as healthy， a little fresh air makes them ill and throws them into bed， which they admittedly go about choosing with the craftiness of a domestic.”Frieda had leaned her head on K.'s shoulder；with their arms wrapped around each other they walked up and down in silence.“If only，”said Frieda， slowly， calmly， almost contentedly， as though she knew that she had merely been granted a tiny little interlude of peace on K.'s shoulder but intended to enjoy it to the utmost，“if only we had gone abroad at once， that same night， we could he somewhere else， safe， always together， your hand always close enough for me to catch hold of；how I need your closeness；how lost I am ever since I came to know you without your closeness；believe me， your closeness is the only dream that I dream， none other.”

At that， someone cried out from the side corridor， it was Jeremias， he stood on the bottom step， he had only a shirt on but had thrown one of Frieda's shawls around himself. Standing there like that with his tousled hair， thin and seemingly rain-soaked beard， his eyes strenuously， pleadingly， reproachfully open， his dark cheeks reddish but as if consisting of extremely loose flesh， his bare legs trembling from the cold and the long fringes of his shawl trembling along with them， he was like a patient who had escaped from a hospital， so that one's only thought was how to get him back to bed.That's also how Frieda saw the matter， she withdrew from K.and immediately joined Jeremias downstairs.Her closeness， the solicitous way she drew the shawl more tightly about him， and her haste， in trying to press him back into the room， already seemed to be fortifying him a bit， it was as if he only now recognized K.，“Oh， it is the surveyor，”he said， soothingly stroking the cheek of Frieda， who wanted to prevent all further discussion，“forgive the disturbance.I'm not feeling at all well， so I do have an excuse.I think I have a fever I must have some tea and sweat it out.That damned fence in the school garden， it'll take me a long time to forget it， and then after catching cold I continued to run about during the night.Although one doesn't realize it at the time， one ends up sacrificing one's health for things that are truly not worth it.But， Surveyor， don't let me disturb you， join us in the room， pay a sick visit， and at the same time you can tell Frieda whatever still needs to be said.When two people who have become used to each other part， there is still so much to tell each other in the final moments that a third party， especially one lying in bed waiting for the tea he has been promised， cannot possibly understand what it's all about.Come right in， I shall be quite still.”“Enough， enough，”said Frieda， tugging at his arm，“he is feverish and has no idea what he's saying.But K.，don't come with us， I beg you.The room is mine and Jeremias's， or rather just mine， I forbid you to enter.You're pursuing me， oh K.，why are you pursuing me.I will never， never go back to you， the very thought of it makes me shudder.Do go to your girls；they're sitting in their chemises on the oven bench by your side， So I'm‘told， and when anybody comes for you they snarl at him.You must be at home there if you feel so strongly drawn to the place.I always held you back， without much success， still I did hold you back， but that's over now， you're free.You have a lovely life ahead of you， you may have to fight a little with the domestics over that first girl， but so far as the second is concerned， no one in heaven or on earth will begrudge you that one.The union is blessed from the start.Don't object， you can certainly contradict everything， but in the end nothing would be contradicted.Just imagine， Jeremias， he has contradicted everything！”They signaled to each other by nodding and smiling.“But，”Frieda went on，“assuming that he contradicted everything， what good would that do， what concern is it of mine？What happens at their house is absolutely their own business， and also his， but not mine.Mine is to care for you until you become healthy again， the way you were before K.tormented you because of me.”“So you're not coming， Surveyor？”asked Jeremias， but just then he was dragged away by Frieda， who did not even turn around to look at K.One could see a small door down there， even lower than the doors in this corridor；not only Jeremias but Frieda too had to bend down to go in， it seemed to be bright and warm inside， one could still hear some whispering， probably affectionate words coaxing Jeremias to go to bed， and then they closed the door.