第172章 Life and trust.(1)

Ida did not leave the refuge of her room for several hours after her return from the memorable visit to Mr.Eltinge's garden,--for far more than the long hot drive,her heroic,spiritual conflict with temptation,the sense of immeasurable loss,and the overwhelming sorrow that followed,had exhausted her.As she rallied from her deep depression,which was physical as well as mental,and found that she could think connectedly,she turned to her Bible in the hope of discovering some comforting and reassuring truths spoken by that Friend for whose sake she had given up so much.

These words caught her attention,and in accordance with the simplicity and directness of her nature she built upon them her only hope for the future:"HE THAT LOSETH HIS LIFE FOR MY SAKESHALL FIND IT!"

She sighed:"I have lost that which is life and more than life to me,and it was for Christ's sake.It was because he forgave me and was kind in that awful moment when my crime was crushing my soul.I could not have given up my chance of happiness just because it was right,but the thought that he asked it and that it was for his sake,turned the wavering scale;and now I will trust him to find my life for me again in his own time and way.As far as this world is concerned,my life probably will be an increasing care of father and others,who,like myself,have,or have had 'a worm i'the bud.'But be the future what it may,I've made my choice and I shall abide by it."Then she turned to the xiv.chapter of St.John,that window of heaven through which the love of God has shone into so many sad hearts;and by the time she had read the words--"Peace I leave with you,my peace I give unto you:not as the world giveth,give I unto you.Let not your heart be troubled,neither let it be afraid"--she found that the peace promised--deep,quiet,sustaining--was stealing into her heart as the dawn turns night into day.Simple-minded Ida Mayhew believed that Jesus Christ had kept his word,for that was all faith meant to her.The rationalist practically maintains that such effects are without causes,and the materialist explains that they are physical conditions to be accounted for,by the state of the nervous system.

Ida went down to supper,and spent the evening with her mother in the parlor.She resolved to take up her burden at once,and that there should be no sentimental sighing in solitude.Though so sorely wounded,she meant to keep her place in the ranks and win from society something better than pity.Jennie Burton looked at her wistfully and wonderingly many times,for the impress of the spiritual experience of that day was on her face,and made it more than beautiful.The blending of sadness and serenity,of quiet strength with calm resolve,was apparent to one possessing Miss Burton's insight into character."Can it be,"she thought,"that Van Berg has discovered her secret,and finds that while he can give her warm friendship and sympathy in her new life,he cannot give any more,and has made as much apparent to her by his manner?

I thought I detected a different tendency in his mind before he went to the city.Something has occurred between them evidently,that to poor Ida means giving up a hope that is like life to a woman.I wish she would let me talk with her,for I think we could help each other.There is certainly a sustaining element in her faith which I do not possess or understand.Year after year Ijust struggle desperately to keep from sinking into despair,and the conflict is wearing me out.How to meet to-morrow with all its memories I do not know.I can see from the expression of Miss Mayhew's face how I ought to meet this anniversary of a day that once seemed to me like heaven's gate;but all I can do is just cling to my hope in God,while I cry like a child that has lost itself and all it loves in a thorny wilderness.I DO wish we could talk frankly,but she is utterly unapproachable."Poor Stanton stalked up and down on the piazza without,smoking furiously and muttering strange oaths.If the troubles that preyed upon the two maidens towards whom his heart was so tender,were outward enemies,the smallest grain of discretion would have kept them out of his way that night,and if Van Berg had quietly walked up the piazza steps as Ida was expecting,he would have received anything but a friendly greeting.That he did not come was a disappointment to Ida,and yet deep in her heart there was a secret satisfaction that he found it so difficult to enter on the task that duty and honor demanded."I shall see him at breakfast,however,"she thought;"and he'll be quiet,sane,and true to his pledge."But when she did not see him the next morning,and also learned from Stanton that he had not been in his room during the night,forebodings of some kind of evil began coming like prowling beasts of he night that the traveler cannot drive very far away from his camp-fire.Could he have broken his promise to her,and have fled from duty after all?She felt that she would love him no matter what he did--for poor Ida could not love on strictly moral principals,and withdraw her love in offended dignity if the occasion required;but her purer and womanly instincts made her fear that if he forfeited her respect her love might degenerate into passion.

Her wish that he would come grew more intense every moment,and from her heart she pitied Jennie Burton as she saw her turn away from an almost untasted breakfast,and with a face that was so full of suffering that she could not disguise it."If he fails her utterly she'll die,"murmured Ida,as she climbed wearily to her room."Merciful Saviour,forgive me that I tried to tempt him from her."She watched from her window,but he did not come.She saw Jennie Burton hastening away on one of the lonely walks to which she was given of late.She saw Stanton drive off rapidly,and when a few hours later he came back,she went down to meet him,and asked hesitatingly: