第51章

Suppose we were to invite volunteers amongst our respected readers to send in little statements of the lies which they know have been told about themselves; what a heap of correspondence, what an exaggeration of malignities, what a crackling bonfire of incendiary falsehoods, might we not gather together! And a lie once set going, having the breath of life breathed into it by the father of lying, and ordered to run its diabolical little course, lives with a prodigious vitality.You say, "Magna est veritas et praevalebit."Psha! Great lies are as great as great truths, and prevail constantly, and day after day.Take an instance or two out of my own little budget.I sit near a gentleman at dinner, and the conversation turns upon a certain anonymous literary performance which at the time is amusing the town."Oh," says the gentleman, "everybody knows who wrote that paper: it is Momus's." I was a young author at the time, perhaps proud of my bantling: "I beg your pardon," I say, "it was written by your humble servant." "Indeed!"was all that the man replied, and he shrugged his shoulders, turned his back, and talked to his other neighbor.I never heard sarcastic incredulity more finely conveyed than by that "indeed." "Impudent liar," the gentleman's face said, as clear as face could speak.

Where was Magna Veritas, and how did she prevail then? She lifted up her voice, she made her appeal, and she was kicked out of court.

In New York I read a newspaper criticism one day (by an exile from our shores who has taken up his abode in the Western Republic), commenting upon a letter of mine which had appeared in a contemporary volume, and wherein it was stated that the writer was a lad in such and such a year, and, in point of fact, I was, at the period spoken of, nineteen years of age."Falsehood, Mr.Roundabout," says the noble critic: "You were then not a lad; you were then six-and-twenty years of age." You see he knew better than papa and mamma and parish register.It was easier for him to think and say I lied, on a twopenny matter connected with my own affairs, than to imagine he was mistaken.Years ago, in a time when we were very mad wags, Arcturus and myself met a gentleman from China who knew the language.We began to speak Chinese against him.We said we were born in China.We were two to one.We spoke the mandarin dialect with perfect fluency.We had the company with us; as in the old, old days, the squeak of the real pig was voted not to be so natural as the squeak of the sham pig.O Arcturus, the sham pig squeaks in our streets now to the applause of multitudes, and the real porker grunts unheeded in his sty!

I once talked for some little time with an amiable lady: it was for the first time; and I saw an expression of surprise on her kind face, which said as plainly as face could say, "Sir, do you know that up to this moment I have had a certain opinion of you, and that I begin to think I have been mistaken or misled?" I not only know that she had heard evil reports of me, but I know who told her--one of those acute fellows, my dear brethren, of whom we spoke in a previous sermon, who has found me out--found out actions which Inever did, found out thoughts and sayings which I never spoke, and judged me accordingly.Ah, my lad! have I found YOU out? O risum teneatis.Perhaps the person I am accusing is no more guilty than I.

How comes it that the evil which men say spreads so widely and lasts so long, whilst our good, kind words don't seem somehow to take root and bear blossom? Is it that in the stony hearts of mankind these pretty flowers can't find a place to grow? Certain it is that scandal is good, brisk talk, whereas praise of one's neighbor is by no means lively hearing.An acquaintance grilled, scored, devilled, and served with mustard and cayenne pepper, excites the appetite;whereas a slice of cold friend with currant jelly is but a sickly, unrelishing meat.

Now, such being the case, my dear worthy Mrs.Candor, in whom I know there are a hundred good and generous qualities: it being perfectly clear that the good things which we say of our neighbors don't fructify, but somehow perish in the ground where they are dropped, whilst the evil words are wafted by all the winds of scandal, take root in all sods, and flourish amazingly--seeing, I say, that this conversation does not give us a fair chance, suppose we give up censoriousness altogether, and decline uttering our opinions about Brown, Jones, and Robinson (and Mesdames B., J., and R.) at all.We may be mistaken about every one of them, as, please goodness, those anecdote-mongers against whom I have uttered my meek protest have been mistaken about me.We need not go to the extent of saying that Mrs.Manning was an amiable creature, much misunderstood; and Jack Thurtell a gallant, unfortunate fellow, not near so black as he was painted; but we will try and avoid personalities altogether in talk, won't we? We will range the fields of science, dear madam, and communicate to each other the pleasing results of our studies.We will, if you please, examine the infinitesimal wonders of nature through the microscope.We will cultivate entomology.We will sit with our arms round each other's waists on the pons asinorum, and see the stream of mathematics flow beneath.We will take refuge in cards, and play at "beggar my neighbor," not abuse my neighbor.We will go to the Zoological Gardens and talk freely about the gorilla and his kindred, but not talk about people who can talk in their turn.Suppose we praise the High Church? we offend the Low Church.

The Broad Church? High and Low are both offended.What do you think of Lord Derby as a politician? And what is your opinion of Lord Palmerston? If you please, will you play me those lovely variations of "In my cottage near a wood?" It is a charming air (you know it in French, I suppose? Ah! te dirai-je, maman!) and was a favorite with poor Marie Antoinette.I say "poor," because I have a right to speak with pity of a sovereign who was renowned for so much beauty and so much misfortune.But as for giving any opinion on her conduct, saying that she was good or bad, or indifferent, goodness forbid! We have agreed we will not be censorious.Let us have a game at cards--at ecarte, if you please.You deal.I ask for cards.I lead the deuce of clubs....

What? there is no deuce! Deuce take it! What? People WILL go on talking about their neighbors, and won't have their mouths stopped by cards, or ever so much microscopes and aquariums? Ah, my poor dear Mrs.Candor, I agree with you.By the way, did you ever see anything like Lady Godiva Trotter's dress last night? People WILLgo on chattering, although we hold our tongues; and, after all, my good soul, what will their scandal matter a hundred years hence?